Using Sex To Feed Intimacy Starvation

Starving For Intimacy; Binging On Sex?

During an unexpected micro-meditation (you may call it a “daydream” or “zoning out”) I found myself pondering a particular sadness I’ve been carrying for several weeks. I’ve been grieving the apparent expiration of a very unique and enlightening friendship that opened my eyes to a new way of seeing the role of sex in a relationship. Today’s inward journey was triggered by something I heard on the TV in the background as I stood at the foot of my bed folding laundry. H. G. Wells was describing to his 21st century paramour the differences he observed in how sex had become routine in our time as opposed to his own, insisting that it was intimacy and built-up desire and yearning that made sex something truly remarkable; not the immediate availability of it.

POP! Into my head I went. I pondered that dwindling friendship and the nature of those aspects of it whose loss I am actually grieving. Whenever I stumble across some little reminder that has me wanting to pick up the phone and reach out to him, what are the barbs that sting the worst when I realize that’s not something I should do? To my surprise, the honest response that came back from that query was not the casual physical side of our relationship, but the closeness and insight into one another’s thoughts and feelings that we had shared — the unmasked intimacy between two people that requires no secrecy — that’s what I miss so badly.

It’s a small revelation, to be sure. But I believe stumbling across small truths like this one is important insomuch that this kind of knowledge can enable healing and eventually, perhaps, closure. By identifying the need for that kind of intimacy, I can hold myself accountable to seeking it out, and I can no longer trick myself into thinking that throwing sex at my hurt feelings will soothe this particular ache for any substantial amount of time. There’s good in that. I can see a way forward from here. My micro-meditation paid off once again.

If anyone tells you to wake up and stop daydreaming, please tell them you are seeking small truths and reflecting in a micro-meditation. They’re tremendously valuable sometimes. Now back to my show!

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